BITCH, BE COOL!!!

Ya, so I have this job delivering groceries right?(hey, gotta do something to pay the bills until comedy kicks in right)? Here's my problem which is not necessarily with the job, but with who I'm delivering to. If I'm delivering some form of uncooked raw meat to your house, and you have some kind of animal in your house that damn near outweighs me, that can smell what the Rock's got cooking, coupled with the fact that your animal don't see too many black people too often, coupled with the fact that the black man that your animal doesn't get to see too often is carrying the raw meat within the vicinity of said animal, here's a lil advice: TELL SOMEBODY 'BOUT THAT SHIT!! Forewarn!! Put some signs up like, Just Leave Our Shit On The Corner!! Or how 'bout, Our Dogs Don't Get To See That Many Black People, So If You're Black, You Might Want To Turn Your Black Ass Around Now!! You're not offending me by letting me know in advance that your dog is racist. That being said, I had to make a grocery delivery for the first time to some rich ass white people living way up in the mountains. Upon my arrival, two horses, running like they SeaBiscuit in the final race of the triple crown, came running out after me - yet for the life of me, I couldn't understand why horses would be barking. The fact that I almost shit on myself, cleared my suspicions about these dubious horses, and indeed confirmed my suspicions that these were really two BIG ASS rotweilers. Not one, but TWO, REALLY BIG ASS rotweilers - they might as well have been Jurassic Park dinosaurs, and I'm the idiot that got set up to be on this island. I proceed to jump in my truck, and wait for someone to come get these bastards. I guess the fact that the barking from his four legged killers seemed more like a war cry, instead of a Lassie welcomes home family, Norman Rockwell painting type of barking, piqued the owners interest, convincing him to come outside to see what was going on. In response to his dogs barking, he replied just like every other deluded owner of wild animals , Oh, they won't hurt anybody! Yeah right! I got three problems with that: number one, I don't fuck with rotweilers...cuz they crazy. Number two, I don't fuck with rotweilers...CUZ THEY CRAZY!!! (seriously, there's something not right about rotweilers, kind of like Terry McMillan's appearance/interview on the Oprah Winfrey show last year( both of 'em got that "just flicked the fuck off " potential), and 3) that type of nonchalant attitude about animals, is the same reason white people get attacked by sharks, get their ass kicked by deer on When Animals Attack, and surprised attacked and killed by THEIR OWN DAMN ROTWEILERS!! Fuck that, I'm not fucking with no damn rotweilers!!! I don't sleep on NO animals. I got an animal, and if that water turtle even look at me funny from inside his tank, I'll beat his ass with a police slapstick. Did I neglect to mention the fact that these people have a two year old child around these dogs? Okay, so what you're telling me is, we love our child, but shit, it ain't hard to make another one, if need be...but I digress...
Needless to say, I made it out of there that night alive, But all I'm saying is, I'ma do what I have to do to protect myself, because the dogs don't like me, and I sure as hell don't like their ass. Maybe since the owners care for the dogs so much, that love is reciprocated by the dogs. So the next time I have to make a delivery there, I'ma just drive my truck INTO the house. And when the dogs start barking this time, I'ma get medieval on their ass like Jules, grab the owner in a chokehold, put a gun to his head, and yell out, TELL THEM BITCHES BE COOL!!! SAY BITCHES BE COOL!!! CHILL THEM BITCHES OUT!!! NOW WE'RE ALL GONNA BE A BUNCH OF FONZIES, AREN'T WE?!!! THAT'S WHAT WE'RE GONNA BE!!! WE'RE GONNA BE COOL!!!