I need to start smokin' weed again, 'cause I'm only one person, and if I'm so smart, then why am I so stupid?!!

I know some of y'all reading this, caught the title, and thinking to yourselves, "Smoke Weed AGAIN? You can't start smoking weed again, unless you was smoking weed before in the past! And you know good and hell well, your ass ain't had no business smoking weed!" Ha Ha! Ya, I know, but getting down with the get down is something of my past, and I'm all about moving forward now. But it's certain times where you start to feel, in order to deal w/ the b.s. going on in your life, you NEED some herbal refreshment. Some lime green wrapped in a phillies blunt, or a chocolate(my personal favorite), and BLAAAAZE!! And if you ain't got no weed, take out the foot that the world has lodged in your ass, roll it up, and smoke that! You gotta escape by any means necessary. I guess I'm at that point - I need about a couple hours flight time, get away from the world. Lately it seems there aren't enough hours in the day for me to accomplish everything I want, or need to do for myself. Instead, I'm filling the hours of the day, taking to task of dealing w/ other people's issues. I'm one person trying to do my own thang, the least of which includes, trying to find a place to live that's closer to the Hollywood comedy district, trying to find time to write, to get out and work on material, work on my business idea, and find a new job that won't stay in the way of doing all those things I just said - 'Cuz my current job ain't doing it - they trying to take me out like I'm Kirby Puckett. My job is dealing w/ other people's crap, which is tiring my soul, to the point where it feels like it's killin my inspiration. I know there are others out there that can relate to this - their job draining them until they feel dead. For this reason, they ought to make another day of the week, and call it "Succumbday" - this would be the day of the week, where you would wake up and say "Fuck That Job!" and call in sick. And when people ask, what happened to you, why you didn't come to work that day, it was because you succumbed - you succumbed from being surrounded by incompetent co-workers, lame bosses, pain in the ass customers, clients, cases, files, rules, regulations, policies, procedures, equipment, supplies, slave wages, office space, overworking, underappreciation, working condiitions and any and all other crap that you despise about your job, which generally comes to mind when the alarm clock wakes you up too early in the morning. Holla if you hear me! I'm not coming in today, 'cause I'm dead! I'll see you tomorrow after my resurrection!...I need to find another job. It would be so much easier to find a job more accomodating to my goals and aspirations if I was in D.C. If I was in D.C., two words: Gub - Mint. Nine to five, M-F, weekends off. That's what I need and those type of jobs in L.A. are hard to find. Harder to find than that Natalie Holloway girl in Aruba. It's hard to get things right in California, because it's just too damn big, too damn crowded. Traffic itself is like an extra ball and chain in your daily grind, and time is a precious commodity. The secret to survival in California, which is key, is to either find a job very close to where you live, or find a place to live very close to your job. I know this, yet I seem to be having the hardest time getting this right. I know I'm smarter than this, so why am I not getting this right? I myself live in desert area, about fifty miles from something worthy of reasonably being called a city, and about eighty miles from the city of L.A. itself. Where I live, it actually snowed (IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!!) a couple of weeks ago. It's so far from L.A., that whenever I go to L.A., I don't just go to L.A., I descend into L.A. This type of existence, living a great distance from work, is inconceivable probably anywhere else in the country, but actually, it is not uncommon at all living in L.A. Many people live a great distance away from L.A., and commute in some fashion everyday to get to work. I guess this works for people that just work and go home. But if you're an struggling artist, this is not very accomodationg. You need an accomodating job that won't tire you, and you need to live in an accomodating location. I think my execution is wrong. Maybe I should start doing porn. I know that would turn out to be hilarious, hence getting me noticed, and jumpstarting my career in comedy. I'll ponder that thought more, the next time I'm watching my favorite porn "Phatty Girls 3". Moral of this long ass story - if you're interested in moving to Californina to pursue stardom, bring a couple million dollars with you to help subside the struggle.

Excuse me while I stab your ass!!!

Bad habits. We all have them - whether they range from minor, not much of a bother to anyone, to annoying, irritating, lazy, disgusting, shocking or just plain unbelievable. No one is exempt. I myself, have the habit of whenever I get tired, however I may fall asleep, is however I may fall asleep. It may be on the bed, it may be on the floor (more often than not, it's my bed). I might fall asleep wearing bed clothes, or I just may knock off while I'm still wearing regular clothes. Hell, there have been times when I just tried to make it through the front door of my house when I was tired, but I guess I found sleeping under the security of a seatbelt, a refreshing change of pace from sleeping under the security of warm covers. Now that's LAZY!! But when I'm sleepy, whatever goes, GOES!!! I guess I may also have a subconcious penchant for belching, without regard to who may be in vicinity of me doing it, who may be offended. I don't think it's necessarily the quick, short belch, which can easily sneak up on anyone like a two hour ago meal from Taco Bell, that offends. And I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say that I'm like the character in Moe's Tavern on The Simpsons that relishes in the fact that his belching can be measured on the richter scale. Alas for me, there is a happy medium in offensive belching. Still, I don't think I have any habits that would make anyone want to get out their scalpal and stab me seventy eight times, like someone on trial for murder in the first, without pre-meditation. Yes, we all know people with certain traits, that when we see them perform certain habits, you feel like just pulling out your scalpal, and stabbing the hell out their ass, repeatedly, until they are dead. Example you ask? Let's take for instance my boy. I love him like another brother, but i can not STAND to hear him eat. And let me just say, that EAT is an understatement. It's more like ravage... attack... barbaricly chew and digest. Like, WTF? Where the hell YOU learn to eat? A pack of rabid wolves? Animals on Wild Kingdom w/ Lorne Green? And on top of that, the SMACKINGGGGGGG!! I CAN NOT STAND SOMEONE THAT SMACKS THEIR DAMN FOOD!! People that smack their food, will usually smack ANYTHING! Food- smack! Water-smack, smack!! Oxygen-smack, smack, smack!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!! WHERE'S MY SCALPAL?!! I *STAB* WILL NOT *STAB* ENDURE *STAB* THIS *STAB* ANY *STAB* LONGER *STAB STAB* !! I'd stab you in your neck, but if I got to close to your mouth, you'd probably find a way to smack on that too!!...So let's rewind to March 1...your's truly is taking a written test, for a job. Just like the SAT, I'm in a room taking it with other people. Everyone in the room is placed at a table with another person. Of course, I have to be seated next the grown ass man who hasn't discovered yet, the ability to read quietly to himself. I gotta sit near one of those types of people that does that out loud "whisper reading." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHERE IS MY SCALPAL?!! I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE!!! (flashback - remember the scene in PeeWee's Big Adventure when PeeWee jumps off the moving train to escape the singing bum? Well, this is like me riding on a train, with a bum, whisper reading his singing!!) A grown ass man, whisper reading? I'll tell you what. Why don't you make it easy for all of us? Why don't you just read out loud to everyone in the room, and when you're finished, hold up your test book, and show everybody the picture in it, by moving it side to side, so everyone can see it - like they did in pre-school. There are annoyances we should just be able to legally attack, until we stab them out of existence. The grown ass adult that sucks their thumb still. Nurse, scalpal!! The person that sucks their teeth-EVERY TEN SECONDS!! Nurse, the dullest scalpal you have, PLEASEEEEE!! The man sitting directly in front, or behind you in the movie theater, so called whispering to his girl throughout the WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!!... Hmmm, that nigga's kinda buff!...well, I'ma let him be this time. But I bed not catch nobody else talking in this movie, 'cause i don't want dude sitting behind me being distracted from saying what he got to say to his girlfriend, AND THAT'S ALL I'MA SAY!!!....

The Great Gaps-be

Okay, so you know how they say that the camera adds about ten pounds to people, right? Well I found out that the camera not only adds weight to people, it actually makes EVERYTHING look bigger - including a gap in the teeth of someone's mouth. I have a gap in my teeth, and I never had contempt for it as much as when I saw the camera add ten pounds to my teeth. It made my smile look fat. Great! Now I have to go on a diet so I can get this obvious weight issue under control. First of all, I just have to say that seeing my gap really good on camera for the first time, I didn't even know it was me - it took friends to get me to recognize myself. Actually, I was emphatically denying that it could have been me, and that I was just a patsy for this wide mouthed body double that was purposely used to make me look bad. "Nah, that ain't me, that can't be me! I can't handle the tooth!! That gap look like something you'd find on the type of girl that Lamont Sanford would date - you know the type that likes to suck down Fatburgers, and say things like "chump", and "get down!" And why do my teeth look like they're in 3-D too? I have a bi-coastal smile? My own personal ivory coast? This gap is too insane. I look like the son of that guy at West Coast Customs who does Pimp My Ride. If this were football, a defender would line up on one tooth, and would have to go to man in motion to get to the other tooth. And what are people going to say about me after performances when I become famous. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Reese's teeth have left the building...but he'll be available for questions if you wanna stick around and talk to him. I would go to extreme makeover for this one, but they when they say extreme, they mean EXTREME. They WANT, in fact, REQUEST, you to be an ogre for dramatic effect. I'm sorry, I just want to get a free job on a Hollywood smile. I know there's room for improvement there, but I don't have an ear above my eye, and at least my teeth aren't horizontal. And I HATE going to the dentist! And hate is an understatement. I just don't like that guy. Maybe it's because of the fact that when you go to him, he picks your gums apart with an icepik until they're bleeding, and then has the nerve to say, " your gums are not healthy, because they're bleeding!" Yeah they're bleeding, 'cause YOU made 'em bleed you bastard!! They weren't bleeding before I came in here, were they? WERE THEY?!! YOU FREDDY KRUEGER!! Maybe I just don't want to see him, 'cause I don't want him to embarass me by suggesting I get my braces done by the Long Fence, Co. Hmmm...maybe I can put in a requisition to Moses for him to bring together, instead of part, this time around. I'll tell you this, when I finally do have the money to get that Denzel smile, I'll never admit to having corrective procedure done on it. I'll no longer have a gap, but I'ma still act clueless when people ask me about what i had done-kind of like Michael Jackson when he denied all of his plastic surgeries. "So Chris, it looks like you had some work done on your teeth lately? My teeth? What do you mean? Your gap. You no longer have a gap in your teeth. What GAP are you referring to? You know what gap! The parking space you used to have between your teeth!! Look, I don't know what gap you're referring to. I've had two teeth whitening sessions and that's it"... I don't know. Maybe having a gap in your teeth isn't too bad. Look at the people in the industry who have become successful because of their gap. Eddie Murphy. David Letterman. Anthony Anderson. Condoleezza Rice. I've even had a woman tell me one time not to get rid of my gap, 'cause she thought it was sexy. I was actually surprised she said that, considering the fact that I DIDN'T put money in her g-string. What physical feature about yourself bugs you?......