The Great Gaps-be

Okay, so you know how they say that the camera adds about ten pounds to people, right? Well I found out that the camera not only adds weight to people, it actually makes EVERYTHING look bigger - including a gap in the teeth of someone's mouth. I have a gap in my teeth, and I never had contempt for it as much as when I saw the camera add ten pounds to my teeth. It made my smile look fat. Great! Now I have to go on a diet so I can get this obvious weight issue under control. First of all, I just have to say that seeing my gap really good on camera for the first time, I didn't even know it was me - it took friends to get me to recognize myself. Actually, I was emphatically denying that it could have been me, and that I was just a patsy for this wide mouthed body double that was purposely used to make me look bad. "Nah, that ain't me, that can't be me! I can't handle the tooth!! That gap look like something you'd find on the type of girl that Lamont Sanford would date - you know the type that likes to suck down Fatburgers, and say things like "chump", and "get down!" And why do my teeth look like they're in 3-D too? I have a bi-coastal smile? My own personal ivory coast? This gap is too insane. I look like the son of that guy at West Coast Customs who does Pimp My Ride. If this were football, a defender would line up on one tooth, and would have to go to man in motion to get to the other tooth. And what are people going to say about me after performances when I become famous. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Reese's teeth have left the building...but he'll be available for questions if you wanna stick around and talk to him. I would go to extreme makeover for this one, but they when they say extreme, they mean EXTREME. They WANT, in fact, REQUEST, you to be an ogre for dramatic effect. I'm sorry, I just want to get a free job on a Hollywood smile. I know there's room for improvement there, but I don't have an ear above my eye, and at least my teeth aren't horizontal. And I HATE going to the dentist! And hate is an understatement. I just don't like that guy. Maybe it's because of the fact that when you go to him, he picks your gums apart with an icepik until they're bleeding, and then has the nerve to say, " your gums are not healthy, because they're bleeding!" Yeah they're bleeding, 'cause YOU made 'em bleed you bastard!! They weren't bleeding before I came in here, were they? WERE THEY?!! YOU FREDDY KRUEGER!! Maybe I just don't want to see him, 'cause I don't want him to embarass me by suggesting I get my braces done by the Long Fence, Co. Hmmm...maybe I can put in a requisition to Moses for him to bring together, instead of part, this time around. I'll tell you this, when I finally do have the money to get that Denzel smile, I'll never admit to having corrective procedure done on it. I'll no longer have a gap, but I'ma still act clueless when people ask me about what i had done-kind of like Michael Jackson when he denied all of his plastic surgeries. "So Chris, it looks like you had some work done on your teeth lately? My teeth? What do you mean? Your gap. You no longer have a gap in your teeth. What GAP are you referring to? You know what gap! The parking space you used to have between your teeth!! Look, I don't know what gap you're referring to. I've had two teeth whitening sessions and that's it"... I don't know. Maybe having a gap in your teeth isn't too bad. Look at the people in the industry who have become successful because of their gap. Eddie Murphy. David Letterman. Anthony Anderson. Condoleezza Rice. I've even had a woman tell me one time not to get rid of my gap, 'cause she thought it was sexy. I was actually surprised she said that, considering the fact that I DIDN'T put money in her g-string. What physical feature about yourself bugs you?......