Father's Day - June 18, 2006

So over the past week, I been thinking that when I woke up this morning, how I would feel on this special day for fathers. Did I spend last week dreading seeing this day come? Not really. Just didn't know how I would feel. I actually thought I would be working today, which for part of the day, would have kept my mind off this particular day. But since I found out that I didn't have to work today(a nice surprise actually), it gave me more time to think about how I'm feeling. And I'm okay about TODAY (father' day). Thus far today, I been enjoying what I'm not usually able to do on Sunday mornings, which is not a damn thing! After learning I didn't have to work, I put on some of my 80's music (love 80's music), messed around on the computer a little, played a little Turok on my XBox, ate some cereal and juice for breakfast, and talked to my best friend and mother...but not too long ago, actually minutes before i started this post, I called my grandfather (at my mother's request) and wished him a Happy Father's Day - and I guess that's sort of where I feel awkward on this day. I can talk to my grandfather, but I can't talk to MY father. There's something, if at the very least, just weird about that. In the natural order of life, things are just not supposed to be that way. Don't get it wrong, I do not wish my grandfather wasn't alive, I'm just not use to not being able to pick up the phone on today(or any other day for that matter), and talk to my father. Though I'm fully aware and pretty much handling the situation reasonably well, I'm still not fully adjusted to that reality, or stated another way, the ability to permanently suspend my disbelief of this situation...I talked to a boy of mine's back home in D.C. last week, he actually designed this site(leethepoet.com...shameless plug, i know), and I told him that now, whenever I go home, I feel weird, and it's just not the same. D.C. will always, ALWAYS, be my home, and I will ALWAYS put it down for D.C., but I'm just not that excited like I used to be about going home anymore, because it's too much looking backwards, which I have to do, because I've lost too many people. I lost my best friend in 95, my brother in 2000, my grandmother a couple years ago, and my father this year. If that ain't the end of the road, for me, it's damn near. I still have lots of family and friends back home that it's always cool to see, and catch up with when I'm in town. But as I see it, sometimes you can best love people when you're miles away - it works well for me in this situation(one of my dreams it to make it big, so I that I can occasionally fly all my family and friends out here - not to show off or anything, but just to have that connection with family and friends in a different type of life that had come adjusted to moving forward). I'm moving forward, when I'm somewhat disconnected from home, trying to do my thing out here (I actually performed this past Friday for the first time since I've been back in Los Angeles - did pretty good, felt pretty good; just had to ride the storm out back to performing). I'm not sure if my boy I was talking to, got what I was getting at - I think he did, he's of a smart breed, we all went to H.U. But I'm not sure if others (the only kind that count) will really get me on this. When I was back home in D.C. this past March/April, I saw my cousin and her fiance. Scheduled to get married this August, I told them that I might be back home for the wedding. I'm sure that kind of threw them - maybe even hurt them a little for me to say "maybe." It's just that at the time, I wasn't looking forward to coming back home so soon - I mean, we all know how fast the summer goes. Of course though, I realize I have to go home for my cousin's wedding. Never mind the fact that I'm supposed to MC the wedding, but we're family that grew up together, separated in age by one month and one day, she the older. And I was always cool with him back from our Safeway days. Hell, he's already in the family, they just making it legal now. Plus, I'M the reason that all this wedding is taking place anyway(that's a story for another time), so it only makes it kind of logicial that I SHOULD be there. Hey, the way I figure it, black wedding? back in good ol' violent ass Dodge City? in August heat? Should be kind of like, Best Man meets Black Hawk Down meets Do The Right Thing, with a reception...and that should be enough good times, priceless, and Kodak moments for me to forget about my troubles for this go round at least....

p.s. HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to all the fathers out there doing they J-O-B!!