A salad?...You gotta be kiddin' me!

Okay, so I am in a support group meeting the other day (and before you start wondering if this is like a Chris Brown type support group meeting, I'll just say it is a support group meeting for those born with the same medical condition as I), and the topic of eating, and eating nutritionally better came up - and the topic of mealing out on salads came up. Mealing out - as in, eating a salad as a meal within itself.

I'll say this first. Salads...healthy, yes. Friendly to the cause of sparing some delicious animal to be put on a plate, yes. And I suppose they're pretty when you add vegetables of primary colors to it. But salads aren't for men. And when I say this, I'm not saying a guy can't eat a salad. I'm saying that a salad just doesn't figure into a guys thought process of what a meal is, or eating a salad to get full. That would apply to a woman. A woman might eat a salad because she's eating healthy however. Or because she's watching the weight. Or any combination of the three. The point is, a woman can eat a salad for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and it could be a meal for a woman on any of those occasions.

A guy on the other hand, can not, and would not consider a salad as a meal. Correction - any man that wasn't gay, would not consider a salad a meal. Though a salad has its own digestive and nutritional importance, no man gets to the point of 'starvin' like marvin' and says to himself, 'I think I'll have just a salad." Hell, even a man barely hungry never thinks of eating just a salad. And do you know why? Because to a guy, a salad defies the purpose of eating, which is to be full as long as we can. And to us guys, that's the point of eating. Bring us something tasty and filling. There's a reason they make places like Carl's Jr. Because guys want as much rib sticking food to put in our stomachs for whatever price we pay. If we pay two dollars for food, give us for the two dollars as much dead animal and potatoes as possible. Or dead animal and fries. Or dead animal and rice. Or dead animal and fry rice. You decide. My point is, we want to get full, and guys can't get full off of a salad. A man cannot live by croutons alone. If a guy has five dollars and goes to In N Out, he's a man - a real man. Even if the guy is a vegetarian, he may eat a salad, but he's gotta hook it up with a soy burger, fish, or some other kind of meat substitution product because that is how he is going to get full. If a man has five dollars, goes to Starbucks, buys a salad for lunch and the salad is the main attraction, he's gay! If a man goes to Subway and orders a lettuce and green peppers sub, he's gay AND he's stupid! C'mon! It's called Five, Five, Five dollar footlooooooongs! Get your man on! What are you kidding me? You're increasing the wait time in line and you're ordering an earth sandwich? They already have product for people that like to wait in line and kill my lunch hour ordering a Subway earth sandwich - it's called a Starbuck's salad!... If a man goes out to a sit down and order off a menu restaurant, and orders a salad for a meal, he's gay! Make sure you check to see if Elton John, and Clay Aiken are in his party. Now you're saying to yourself, "what about salads with chunks of chicken, or ham, or whatever in them. Those can be really filling." I defy you still, to find a real man who will go to the Black Angus and order a chunky chicken and sesame salad, with a nice water back. And besides that, I say if you're bringing me meat and salad anyway, why don't you just bring me the salad by itself, before the meal, like it's traditionally done. And then, you know, just bring me my meat already together after I eat the salad - you know, like it's traditionally done. I'll cut up my man meat all by myself." I mean, I AM a man who's old enough to cut his own meat, aren't I? Besides, I don't like anyone stealing my thunder of me carrying out my animalistic nature of carving into my stomach filling gratification. Call me a barbarian. Call me a pig. But do me a favor and slide the salad to the lady and just make sure to call me a man.

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